What happens when we die?

In the previous blog we looked at the life of Malcolm Dexter and something of our involvement in sorting out his estate.  It was certainly interesting for us to go through his papers and experience something of the life that he lived.  This challenged me to reconsider my priorities in life.    

Looking back over those months as we sorted through Malcolm’s papers and belongings we were reminded once again that death does not discriminate but comes to us all at some time or another.  For some it may be unexpected and tragic.  For others it may be at a good old age.  Ultimately we will all have to face this experience.

So in asking the question “What happens when we die?” I really want to look at the question from the point of view of those of us who are left behind.  The deceased person’s life has come to an end.  What of those who remain?  There will be a sense of loss, the natural consequences of grief, sadness, emptiness and all the other emotions that we will experience when someone close passes away.  But what does it mean for those who have to go through the personal effects and deal with them?  

Malcolm had been meaning to write a will but had never got round to it.  We were thankful that he didn’t write a will.  It meant that the solicitor had the responsibility of making the decisions on everything.  It would have been very difficult and expensive for us if we had to carried out Malcolm’s wishes had there been in a will. 

Firstly to summarize some of the more obvious lessons that we have noted:

1. If there is no will intestacy rules will apply and it can become very complicated and messy for any remaining family.   In Malcolm’s case because he had no immediate family or property it did make it easier for us, although Malcolm’s wishes could not be carried out.
2. Malcolm had a funeral plan which was a great help and took the burden off us.  He had also indicated who he wanted to conduct the funeral.  We were grateful that we didn’t have to arrange that side of things.
3. He had a list of people he wanted contacted if anything was to happen to him.  With phone numbers listed these people were soon informed.

As a general impression, the lesson that most stands out for me as we went through all his belongings: books, CDs, ornaments, furniture, clothes, pictures, many still in unpacked cardboard boxes was that it made me re-think how I view my possessions.  We had downsized about 19 months prior to this and so had quite a good clear out then.  Where was my focus now?  What were my priorities about the things that I possessed?  Where was my heart really?

Jesus reminded his disciples that it is better to store up treasure in heaven where moth and rust does not affect it.  We cannot take anything with us when we die and it certainly won’t benefit us either.  We leave it all behind.  Jesus called the rich farmer[1] a fool because although he was rich in possessions, food stored up for many years and probably feeling secure in his retirement, he was not rich towards God.  He had viewed his surplus as his and had not been generous, sharing what he didn’t really need with those who could benefit from it.  His wealth had no eternal benefit for him. 

In Luke 18 the rich ruler who came and asked what he must do to receive eternal life was told by Jesus that he needed to sell what he had and distribute it to the poor and he would have treasure in heaven.  Then he was to follow Him.  He went away very sad.  The reason given was that he was extremely rich.[2]  In other words, he had more than he needed and was not generous and willing to use what he had to help those in need.  He was self-focused.

I think we forget that this life is only a transitioning stage.  We live as though we are going to live forever - what we have is ours to do with as we want.  We think that we deserve nice things, enjoy pleasures, holidays, nice houses and cars.  It’s my money after all, isn’t it?  However, what is God’s estimation of how we have used what he has given us to enjoy?

Jim Elliot was killed in the Ecuadorian jungle trying to reach the forest people with God’s message.  He said, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”  Paul shares similar thoughts when he says, “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”[3]  What is my priority in life?  This is the question we need to ask ourselves?  How do I value what I have?  All of us have a responsibility – but is it selfish, self-focused or is it seeking a greater purpose, one that is seeking to honour God and bless others with the blessings that we have received?  

Another aspect that has been meaningful to me has been Hebrews 13:5 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I was struck by the link of contentment with the promised that Jesus will never leave or forsake us.   When that promise grips us it becomes easier for us to be content with what we have.  If Jesus is always with us and will never forsake us, then our confidence is in him rather than in the material things around.  We don’t need to seek after things that we don’t have but learn to be content with the things that we do have.[4]

So as Solomon reminds us, “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” [5]  Our dealing with the passing of Malcolm focused my heart and mind on my priority in living – is it for self, or for God?  Where is my heart?

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[1] Luke 12:23 ESV

[2] ESV of Luke 18:23

[3] Philippians 3:8 ESV

[4] Cf. Philippians 4:11 where Paul says he has learned in whatever situation he was to be content.

[5] Ecclesiastes 7:2 ESV

Malcolm Dexter (12 Dec 1938-22 Aug 2016) The Life of a Second Cousin

            Late afternoon on Monday, 22 August, there was a knock at the door.  On opening it, there stood a policewoman.  My immediate thought was, “Bad news! Which of the children is it?”  However, she said that she was sorry to have to inform me that Malcolm Dexter in Eastbourne had died that morning.  Malcolm was a second cousin.  I was rather surprised that she had come round to tell me.  But what was more shocking and difficult to take in was that Malcolm had written a letter to a Roman Catholic Priest, Chris Vipers, the night before in which Malcolm clearly stated that he designated me to be next of kin rather than his step niece, his only close relative. 

I invited her in and she spent about an hour and half with us.  She explained that Malcolm had not turned up for his surgical procedure at the hospital that day and the nurse had phoned the house to see where he was.  With no response she felt constrained to phone the police who found him on the hall way floor still in his pyjamas. Malcolm was to have had a brand new pace maker inserted and he was looking forward to the benefits that would give him, but sadly, that was not to be. 

            We phoned the coroner’s office and arranged to pick up the keys and so begun two months of travelling back and forth to Eastbourne (a 4-5 hour journey each way) trying to sort out his affairs.  We registered the death at the registry office and began working through his papers for the important details needed.

            Malcolm had previously arranged with Chris Vipers for him to act as executor.  This was stated again in Malcolm’s letter to Chris which was found on his desk when the police entered the flat.  However, there was no will.  Chris engaged a solicitor he knew near his home and it became clear that neither Chris nor I could act legally in the capacity in which Malcolm had requested in his letter.  Both of us were happy to do what we could, under the guidance of the solicitor we planned for the clearing of the flat, made funeral arrangements and dealt with the administration. 

Malcolm was an interesting and complex character.  Going through his papers, photographs, books and other paraphernalia revealed a man of many experiences, greatly travelled, and seemingly with a desire to continue to live a lifestyle that presented a persona that he could not really afford. 

He had remained single for most of his life apart from a ten year period or so when he was married.  I don’t think that worked out very well as he never really spoke about it. 

He spent time in Tibet and later travelled widely in the Middle East and Sudan as a civil servant for the Foreign office.  He met many interesting people during his time in the region.  He was fluent in French, Danish and Arabic and was learning Russian when he died.  I believe he was also able to converse in a few other languages too.  He had a fascination for the Muslin world and enjoyed life in the Middle East.  He was awarded the OBE in 1980 for services rendered in the Middle East.  He retired from the Foreign Service and became a consultant to Middle Eastern publishing houses.  He bought a house in Bursa in Turkey and then later moved further south to a house near the coast in Doğanbey.  He returned to the UK for medical reasons and eventually sold the house in Turkey.  He was living with his half sister for a while but when she died he had to move and ended up in Eastbourne. 

He had a fascination for history, Anglo-Saxon and Viking history more particularly and even studied the Anglo-Saxon language.  He was often involved in some project or other and even began the application process for a PhD in the French department at Reading University in 2003.  He also became interested in his family tree and it was through this connection that we got to know each other.  We had the opportunity of visiting him in Turkey when he was in Bursa and he visited us in Newent.  We also visited him a few times in Eastbourne as well.

His preferences in clothes and furniture showed that he had good taste. He had a great love for books and classical music and had a huge collection of both.  He was also downloading articles from the internet of historical or archaeological interest and would print and file these in a very organized way. His Middle Eastern interest was evident with the many and varied artefacts and pieces around the house or on the wall which seemed to indicate a desire to create something of that Middle Eastern environment in his home.  When you have lived for such a long time in another country it is very difficult to settle back into the homeland environment, and Malcolm certainly didn’t find it easy.  

However, his health ultimately got the better of him, and he died a lonely man.